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| Candid, practical advice for men in the foreign bride search! |
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| Hi! Welcome to the Foreign Bride 101 blog! Here, I will share a few ideas, expand on a few questions I've been asked recently around the foreign bride search, and offer the most candid, relevant advice and information I have for nice guys like you! Enjoy your read - and check back weekly for more! |
| What's Slowing Down My Letters? |
I am privileged to know so many good men in the foreign bride search. Each deeply desires to find his life-mate and show her all the love she’s ever dreamed of. So determined are my brothers here that they will travel anywhere they must to find HER, that one “perfect” woman who completes who they are and who holds the promise of love within. There are no boundaries for such limitless love and certainly not geographic or cultural ones. I’m humbled to imagine the lives my work in the foreign bride search has touched and it is from this sense of belonging that I write the following article, one I have been asked to write for 9 years. I hope all guys who read this will do so slowly and seriously. This is for those very special men and women who have just met, have fallen in love and are ready to touch souls. There really is no manual out there to teach us gentlemen how to romance, court, seduce and love our foreign women. One might suppose these things should come naturally to anyone with as much relationship experience as we (mostly) over 40 guys. But many of us have been out of love for longer than we’d like to admit and our last love experience may not have been very open to intimacy. How many years have we wasted in toxic relationships, sleeping alone on a cold couch night after night when we might have been holding HER from dusk to dawn, breathing her scented hair, and warming her bare back against our chest? We are men who want to love, with all our hearts and souls when truly given the opportunity. Yet, in that incredible moment, when you realize that all those years of emptiness have in fact led you thousands of miles, over oceans and half an Earth to “HER,” as you see your love and desire mirrored in her face and touch and eyes, none of the past will seem to matter anymore. In fact, it will all seem so perfectly…perfect – the road you were on for so long without clairvoyance. You found HER. You wrote HER. You heard HER voice for the first time, then the second… then the tenth. You can’t get enough of that accent. It just kills you every time. You purchased the airfare with hopefulness and trepidation. You boarded the plane, traveled half the world and touched down in a completely foreign place. And there she was, as real as she could be. Better than dreams. You were a nervous wreck on the first date but it was awesome, wasn’t it? You dined in the shadow of the old abandoned mission in Cartagena, or in the cozy café in St. Petersburg. There was something in that hug and kiss goodnight. It was more than it needed to be, and the way she looked at you afterwards… Later on you intentionally brushed your hand against hers and she took it. You leaned in on her and she wrapped herself around your arm to walk down the street. The hugs got longer and the kisses were meaningful and lingering. She looked in your eyes and wouldn’t look away. She touched your chest, your strong arms and seemed to look right through your clothes with childish curiosity. She’s excited and happy in your presence and she wants you as close to her as you can be everywhere you go. It’s unmistakable. She’s in love and she’s ready to surrender to love. She’s so beautiful, and about to be all yours. “Somewhere our eyes met, and our hands reached out, and we felt a kindred spirit. And as our faces touched, I could feel the fire, and needed so to just be near it.” Dan Fogelberg The only question remains… how do you love her the way she wants to be loved? What are her expectations toward intimacy? How can you love her well, especially this first time together? Surely there must be societal taboos that have an impact on international couples. What are they? What best practices, as I like to call them, can you demonstrate to show your true interest and commitment to her pleasure and thus make the commanding statement you want your first love-making to be? How can you give her love she will want to come back for again and again, each time strengthening the soulful ties that bind you together? I believe I can answer all of these for you. I will try. Being the best lover she’s ever had comes down to your total, uninterrupted focus on her and in trying to capture and pleasure all of her senses at once. Everyone has an uninhibited, unashamed lover inside them. Be yours – and help her find hers. Then find each other. More specifically, now: Understand Her World and It’s Impact on Intimacy There are any number of places you can go on the internet, with its vast resources, to read about cultural perceptions and taboo behaviors around international sex. Do your home- work ahead of time to fully understand what moves are likely to help her relax or more likely to add tension to the experience. You should know, for example, that international women usually have limited privacy in their homes. They may live in small apartments, as in the Former Soviet Union, with a handful of extended family members, in which rooms are shared or separated by thin curtains. Being intimate and uninhibited in the typical Russian or Ukrainian flat, for example, is virtually impossible. So when love occurs, it must occur outside the girl’s home. Latin women often live at home with 4 – 5 or more family members where, again, intimacy is not likely to occur under the watchful eye of mom, dad and a bunch of siblings. Another example of a cultural practice that impacts love in the Former Soviet Union is how women highly desire to be presentable to their lovers for intimacy. This requires showering, shaving, and putting on something appropriate for the occasion. Spontaneous sex that occurs with no preparation beforehand is usually not an appealing idea to FSU women. When she says she wants to shower or prepare before hand she is also communicating her subtle desire that you do the same. This is very important in order for her to enjoy the experience. Being squeaky clean will allow her to relax when you want to explore and love her. Do not be pushy about spontaneous passion, let her prepare for love - and you do the same. One common mistake western men make with eastern women is to assume the passionate “French” kissing is typical before intercourse. It’s not. Really, kissing your girl in public is usually awkward for her. Try it; you’ll definitely notice her reaction. It’s especially not welcomed in public view. Deep kisses are considered invasive prior to intimacy but are certainly no problem once intimacy occurs. Finally, realize that contraception in all foreign cultures is both partners’ responsibility but it’ s usually the woman who takes care of it. In the FSU that may look like contraceptive foam, spermicidal sponges, or the old reliable rhythm method. In the FSU all forms of contraception are available without prescription so FSU girls are usually prepared. I’m not advocating guys punt on the contraception. I’m just saying FSU girls will be able to handle it. In Colombia or Peru, contraception may be more about rhythm and timing. (Most Latin ladies are, after all, good Catholic girls.) Men I have known who have forged intimacy with a Latin girl have said they were glad to come prepared with their choice of contraception as the girls were very willing to rely solely on rhythm. The message here is to be prepared with a comfortable option for yourself no matter where you are going. Your foreign girl will not want to hurry through an awkward experience. She will want all time to stop as the two of you learn, love and discover each other deeply. You can be sure to have plenty of touching, kissing and exploring before you need to reach for anything protective, but of course be a responsible, caring man who is always in control of his actions. Finally, realize that foreign women want sex as much as you do, but most would only want it in the safe confines of a monogamous, committed relationship. Foreign women are not going to give you sex just to try to impress you into marrying them. Definitely not. Being used for sex by a foreigner is very insulting to foreign girls, more so than by a local guy. They don’t expect it from us. Foreign ladies hold us to a higher standard of behavior and motives. FSU women over 35 will have limited chances for intimacy due to men choosing from the many younger ladies available. Single-moms especially are challenged to find a monogamous partner as FSU men can easily meet women who do not have children and who are available to stay with them for extended evenings. This does not mean foreign women over 35 will sleep with anyone. We must be very careful not to fall for baseless stereotypes that cast FSU women as poor and desperate. Nothing could be further from the truth. FSU women are lovely, intelligent, sexy, healthy and ready to fall in love and surrender to a worthy, equal man. Prepare Your Physical Self for Love! International marriage agencies do little to communicate the true expectations foreign women have of their intimate life-partners. If all IMA’s were to be believed, men needn’t ever worry about their waistlines, their age, their exercise habits – one’s appearance has no impact at all on how attracted your foreign girl will be to you. To believe the fantasy marketing of marriage agencies is to believe that the world’s most beautiful and healthy women have no problem getting excited about men twice their age who never exercise or practice good hygiene. Now, I’m not trying to insult my good readers, rather, I am pointing what should be obvious to any serious guy in the foreign bride search – the laws of basic human attraction are as relevant as ever. Yes, foreign women will often be open to someone older than they are. The age gap hundreds of international women have told me they find acceptable is 10 – 12 years… possible 15 depending on the extremely good health and vitality of the guy. And indeed, foreign women truly hope for reasonably fit men who will support and continue their active lifestyle. Foreign women realize – and hope – that sex is going to be an important part of loving their life-mate and they’ll want that to be an enjoyable, deeply gratifying experience every time, not one they have to will themselves through. So the first step for guys is to seek out a realistic, appropriate life-mate in the first place. Then, if you haven’t been to a health club lately, get yourself signed up right away and get to work. Work really hard. Go to your doctor for routine check-ups and share your fitness goals with him/her so he/she can advise you to the best outcome. Frankly, the greater the age gap between you and your dream girl, the harder you should be working. She’s going to be incredibly beautiful for you. Give her the perfect gift in return – a healthy, strong you! If she unbuttons your shirt to reveal a firm chest, she’ll melt – and you’ll catch her. Foreign women can easily forgive any guy not being Brad Pitt’s twin if he is solid and masculine to the touch. What other ways can you prepare yourself for cross-cultural love? You have to be very proactive for HER sake. Remember you haven’t had a woman who cared about your appearance in a while. Your foreign girl will care. How could a woman be so perfect and not care if you don’t at least try to maintain reasonable best practices? Visit your dentist before your first international trip and take care of any issues. Try electrolysis if you need it. Soften your hands and feet. Get a little tan going. Buy some nicer clothes, intimate wear and cologne. If needed, try any of the medications available to assure you have the stamina to keep up with her. It is very important to be confident and content with your self- image and to not hold yourself to an impossible, unrealistic standard. Too many guys do this and ruin the first experience out of shame. The key is to make a commitment months before the two of you meet to take yourself to another level. Do it for HER, the reaction will be well worth it when the time comes, my friend. And being strong and healthy will only help your confidence. Now, let’s talk about some of the more fun things we can do in preparation for that first time together. Make a Sacred Space for Your Love So, since you know you can’t expect to have intimacy in her home, another way to assure a relaxing, inviting experience for her is to create a sacred space for you and your beloved foreign girl. This can be a separate hotel room, a rented apartment or any private room with enough space and furniture for comfort. Personalize this space for your first intimate time together. Add flowers, linens, art, room spray, incense, wall mounted candle holders, small gifts wrapped in flowery paper around the room, silk flower strands over the curtain rods or bed posts. Set a table with candles, wine and dinner. Sprinkle silk flowers or heart confetti over the table. Make it warm and inviting and make it obvious this space’s sole purpose is as a secret hideaway for just the two of you to become lovers. Imagine her reaction to your effort to create such a place for her to be loved. I promise you, in a foreign girl’s world – this never happens! Create a “Treasure Chest.” Here’s something 99.9% of the foreign bride finders out there will never think of – gather up items into a chest that can be later used to enhance her intimate experience. Most guys think only of the sex itself and really punt the whole foreplay thing. Any woman, foreign or otherwise, will tell you – BIG MISTAKE! Her brain is completely wired for a slow, smooth, gradual ascent into love and not for the awkward rush to a one-sided climax. I’m not kidding – find an attractive looking box and find some of the following items to put in it: scented massage oil, scented lotions, perfume or cologne (maybe TommyGirl for her and Ralph Lauren’s Romance for you, for example,) incense (be very choosy,) silk flowers or rose petals, spices (whole cloves or anise) candles and unique votive candle-holders, (shaped like hearts, autumn leaves, or sea-shells,) an MP3 player with small speakers, (preloaded with soft, romantic music of course,) silk scarves, chocolate kisses or chocolates filled with liqueur, small colored glass dishes (for oil, or chocolates,) bits of love poetry or lyrics written on parchment, small bottles of liqueur, lingerie, one or two romantic movies. Be daring, but not too daring. You want to surprise her but not scare her. Give her the firm impression this is new for you and not something you have always done before. Avoid anything too risqué until you get to know one another. Other than that, the possibilities are endless. There are exquisite purposes for the items in your treasure chest. You will use each in its own time to welcome, relax, and seduce her. I’m going to tell you one word which, when properly employed, will absolutely melt your girl into your very hands… literally! The word is “Massage!” Learn how to give the most incredible massage a woman could ever have. There are lots of ways to do this! You can find books at Borders, buy DVD’s online, watch YouTube videos, etc! How many hour-long candle-lit massages do you think your foreign girl over 30 has had in recent years – or ever? What better way to show her you love her and want her deep pleasure, or to relax her for the intense experience to follow? Set the mood with music, candles, scattered silk flowers or petals, spray cologne on a silk scarf and hang it from the bedpost or by an open window so the breeze will blow it over your bed. Caress her skin with two silk scarves that smell like you when she leans in to kiss you. Warm the scented oil and massage her shoulders, arms and back. Bite down on a single clove or mint leaf then kiss her lips. Pour liqueur into a glass. Use your fingertip to rub some on her lips before you kiss her. Put a few drops on her neck and kiss there. Don’t nibble, don’t drool. Be subtle and smooth and gentle. Read her a love poem. Hold her closely and whisper it against her neck. For all of you guys loving Latin women, try Pablo Neruda: “Don’t go far off, not even for a day, because… Because I don’t know how to say it. A day is long and I will be waiting for you as in an empty station where the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep. Don’t leave me, not even for an hour because then the little drops of anguish will all run together the smoke that roams, looking for a home, will drift into me, choking my lost heart Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach May your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance Don’t ever leave me, even for a second… Practice for God’s sake. Practice until it’s perfect. Practice your deepest, soulful whisper. This is your first intimacy together – she will never forget it. In Cartagena or Barranquilla you can open a window and let the sound of the ocean carry your words to her ears. Later, you can lie together in the darkness. She’ll sleep, breathing on your arm as you listen to the surf and thank the cosmos for your good fortune. Music also is so key here. I would avoid any songs from her culture, just in case she has a particular association with them that would be counter productive to helping her relax. If you are going to try some of her music, then look for songs by Kristina Orvakatya, Yulia Savicheva, Valerya, Shakira, Via Gra and Alsu. Rather, make a massage and love playlist on your I-pod w/speakers or laptop. I would highly recommend slow, ambient or romantic music conducive to massage and relaxation. If you listen closely, the music will guide your technique. Here’s a sample massage playlist I would recommend for those of us guys over 40. Try to look these up on YouTube or I-Tunes… A Day Without Rain, Enya Sleeping Lady, Alex DeGrassi December, George Winston Angel, Sara McLaughlin Fallen Embers, Enya The Happy Couple, Michael Hedges My Funny Valentine, Chet Baker Wedding Rain, Liz Story Love Is Out Cross To Bear, John Gorka Scarborough Fair, Mediaeval Babes Exploring the Blue, Luka Bloom Impending Death of the Virgin Spirit, William Ackerman Listen To Your Heart, DDT Songbird, Fleetwood Mac Western, Alex DeGrassi She’s That Kind of Mystery, Bill Morrissey Dancing Shoes, Dan Fogelberg Longing Love, George Winston Tattered Old Kite, David Wilcox Judgment of the Moon and Stars, Joni Mitchell Lull It By, Greg Brown Black is the Color, Luka Bloom Raina, Peter Himmelman Inward Journey, R Carlos Nakai Je T’Aime Till My Dieing Day, Enigma If Not Now, Then When, Tracy Chapman These should be very effective in setting and maintain the most romantic mood. Here's another example. This is the amazing song-writer Tracy Chapman. The song is called "The Promise." If this song doesn't inspire you to love with your whole entire being, check your pulse, man. Click the photo to link to her Amazon page... Play the tune and imagine right now...The room is dimly lit by only a few bouquet scented candles. The wind is gently blowing the curtains around and the scent of your cologne sprayed there comes to her in little whispers. She is laying on her back sideways on the bed, her head propped by a warm, small pillow. You dip your fingers in subtly scented massage oil and begin to make wet trails over her neck, her belly, the length of her forearms. As you reach over her to your body is warm and masculine. Your touch is firm but relaxing. Your chest and arms are so close to her she feel like she's wrapped in your body's blanket. You kiss her upside down kisses to her chin, her bottom lip, her neck. You carefully walk to the other side of the bed and let your finger tips follow her shape upward from her feet to her thighs. You do not hurry. You kiss her throughout, but not excessively. Not yet. You take a few rose petals from a ruby-glassed dish and sprinkle them over her belly and inner hips. You dip your fingers into peach nectar or pear liqueur and tap little drops at places on her body for you to kiss quite gently. You kiss her lips and taste of pears... Take a small cosmetic brush, dip it into that fragrant powder (think Crabtree and Evelyn, or Bath and Body Works,) and brush the scent over her inner thigh, and the sides of her abdomen, the nape of her neck. Continue and continue...massage, little kisses, little sprinkles of petals, brushes of flowers scents. Be very subtle - too much scent will overpower the moment. Feed her ripened berries or slices of pear. The candles, the dimly lit room...the sweet music for love - and remember: you're just getting started! Now, do not be a selfish brute and go for it all before you've taken ample time for her relaxation and adoration. Massage your girl with all the attention and focus of a sculptor kneading a lifesize statue of Eve from clay. You are her strong, patient, soulfully creative man. She is your beloved woman, your delicious gift from heaven to unwrap forever. This time is yours, your gift from God. Your treasure chest will totally intrigue her. Keep a lock on it and save some things for the next time and the next. Remember, this "chest" itself can be anything that holds your treasures for her. You can take a flat folding box in your luggage and put it together when you get to your destination. See Pier 1 Imports, Bath and Body Works, Victoria's Secret and Burlington Coat Factory for some great treasure box possibilities. After one intimate experience she’ll likely be more than willing to wear the things you bought for her, if not too racy. She’ll wear perfume for you, and spray it on her lingerie. Give her a massage every time. Each time use a different sweet, a different spice, a new fragrance. Don’t let her peak in your treasure chest. She’ll always love the anticipation of surprise. Remember, make every time a little different. Intrigue, anticipation, passion and intense love – that’s the stuff great epoch romance movies are made of. I hope I’ve given you some helpful ideas on how to make your first intimacy with HER a memorable, meaningful one. I believe we all have the potential to love one another like never before and the pursuit of such a rare and rapturous love is why we’re here in the foreign bride experience to begin with, right? Take the time to prepare for and personalize your intimacy together. Make that first intimate experience the most amazing you – and she – have ever had! |
| "Do not leave me... not even for a day..." When she's ready to be your girl, make your first kiss memorable! Dim the lights, burn a candle, open a window and let the Barranquilla surf serenade you. And have your Neruda ready! |
| Subtly spray your favorite perfume on them before you give them to her... be bold and deliberate in how you love her. |
