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My friend Kevin from Ohio posed a familiar question last night during our weekly A Foreign Affair - Sponsored conference call: “If I were to marry a foreign bride, and she would obviously relocate here to live with me, will she eventually become “Americanized” to the point where she loses interest in me or change so much that I lose interest in her?” I love this question because it speaks to the subconscious reasons we doubt everything good we read about women in the foreign bride search. Those doubts and the inherent distrust of foreign women’s true motives for finding a husband abroad are deeply rooted in – of all things – our experiences with women thus far. Let me explain…
Have you mentioned your interest in the foreign bride search to your friends, family or coworkers? Have you told anyone you’ve visited websites like www.loveme.com and have been encouraged by what you’ve read or seen? It’s only human nature to reach out to those closest to you for support and encouragement for an endeavor so serious and potentially life-defining, right? If you have ventured to reveal your growing enthusiasm for the foreign bride search to anyone not directly involved in it – how did that go? Most men immediately regret opening their mouths to share what they’ve heard due to the overwhelmingly negative reaction we get from even our closest people. “What are you, brain-dead?” they say. “Have you lost your mind? WHY would you do that? Haven’t you heard the news stories about all the women who come here and scam guys out of money or who take off and leave the guy after they get here? These women are just after citizenship. They’ll come here, get Americanized, and take all your money and leave. For God’s sake, DON’T do that!”
Yup. That’s what I thought. But honestly I bet you’ll find the harshest reaction to the whole foreign life-partner idea will come from American women who never see the self-convicting irony in accusing foreign girls of becoming “Americanized.” We always criticize in others that which we dislike so much about ourselves, some wise person once observed.
Well the first good news is – THEY’RE WRONG!! Well meaning Americans love talking out of their hind-ends on topics we really know little about. Our stuck-up American paradigm says all foreign people who are not US want to be US and will do anything – including the foreign bride thing – to become one of US. That paradigm is flawed. There is nothing to support that even a significant number of foreign women who come here to marry their American husbands want anything but love, marriage and the family that comes with. The second good news is – foreign women who come here to marry generally don’t become “Americanized,” rather they stay true to their core values and grow to deeply love and appreciate the men who saved them from a life of loneliness.
Rather than talk about the discouraging opinions of less informed people, let’s talk instead about our reaction – to the reactions of others! What happens when we allow ourselves to be humbly brought back to “reality” by those silly people who think all foreign women are desperate little urchins trying to scam us. What happens is – we believe them, right? “Of course,” we think, “why am I so stupid. What a dumb idea. Even if she does come here for love and all the right reasons, she’ll eventually go out and meet other women at work or through friends. She’ll start thinking like they do and wanting the same things they want. She’ll eventually see me they way American women do and become unhappy – then what?!” When you eventually hear that little devil standing on your shoulder and poking his fork into your happily-ever-after bubble, whispering in your ear that all your dreams of love are stupid, that you’re a fool for even considering the search for international love, I want you to do one thing: remember what a nice, disserving, loving guy you are and kick his little ass! Then STOP LISTENING to anyone who doesn’t get behind you 100%.
Haven’t we everyday men been trained to believe that beautiful, intelligent women don’t fall in love with us? Haven’t we been told or haven’t we been made painfully aware that very desirable women don’t do relationships with US unless they’re after something we pretend not to be aware of? What are those mocking voices saying to us about our eligibility for such beautiful foreign ladies? That we average Joes don’t qualify for THAT kind of girl? We don’t have enough money, or aren’t handsome enough to disserve REAL love from a truly BEAUTIFUL woman? That by nature such a pursuit will surely conclude with our humiliation in some kind of scam? What our friends and coworkers are trying to tell us is no less what our society believes as a whole – beauty is a commodity to be enjoyed by the wealthy and gorgeous.
The rest of us are bottom feeders, right?
WHY couldn’t a foreign girl fall in love with you for all the RIGHT reasons? Seriously – answer this question for yourself right now! You’re a NICE guy. Your wife will always be sure you LOVE her. Your children will never witness you disrespecting their mother. Your home will be HAPPY and warm. You may not ever be rich but you can provide a STEADY and predictable lifestyle. You will RESPECT her. You will NURTURE her dreams. You will be FAITHFUL and SURE – qualities many foreign women struggle to find in their men. You will provide the kind of strong foundation for love and family that foreign women desire so deeply they will relocate and completely redefine their lives for such a prize. You will dedicate your life to her! Of course you disserve THAT kind of love! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Some of the world’s most beautiful and intelligent women are treated so badly by men in their culture they never develop the sense of righteous entitlement so many American women have. All they want is a loving guy dependable enough for them to build their lives around and the more sacrifice they have to make in order to find him – the more true to him they will be in the long run.
Foreign women don’t become Americanized. You won’t see many foreign women wearing their slippers and pajamas to the mall. They’re not likely to declare, as an ex-girlfriend of mine once did, that they “don’t want to live in a small house just to be able to say they have love.” They won’t sleep with some other guy just to hurt you when you when you somehow don’t meet their expectations. Sound familiar, guys? You bet it does! Foreign women will seek out other foreign women here for friendship and social networking. They will not be able to identify with or understand the actions and motives of American women and won’t feel obligated to even try. Your girl’s core values will not fail you because you have earned her love, focus and commitment. Beauty is not the commodity in other countries that it can be here. Good character and values are!
Go and find the love you should have from an alluring girl with a charming accent. And learn to edit out the well-meaning but completely uninformed opinions of those who have settled for less than the real and soulful love we were all meant
I want to add a few more comments to my initial question on this topic. I asked this question not just for myself, but for all the guys who needed to hear it as well, and I am glad Bud was kind enough to turn it into a post.
I think one thing us guys tend to do in this process is that we have this attitude and position of being the “knightly princes going to save his princess from her horrible life.” But in reality, that attitude does more harm than good. The truth is, most of these ladies that come searching for a foreign man are not looking for someone to save them. These women are strong enough to handle life’s challenges and can do very well for themselves. All they lack is that loving, faithful man to share their life with. Which, if we guys are honest with ourselves, is EXACTLY what we are doing as well! In fact, if a foreign woman IS looking for a man to save her from her life, then I would start raising that red flag. These women do not NEED to be SAVED; they WANT to be LOVED.
I think it is important to put ourselves in their shoes (which can be quite difficult if we have never taken a step in their country). When we see things from their perspective, we begin to understand that their situation is not too dissimilar from our own, at least as far as relationships go. Imagine for a second that you are going to relocate to her country instead of the other way around. Now you have to learn her language just to survive, let alone have a good job. You are surrounded by many foreign women now, who seem more than happy to help you adjust to your new surroundings. But you still are not a citizen yet, and that is solely dependent on your marriage to your wife. After all, she is the reason you are there in the first place. Would you throw away all you have worked for just to have a few flings with some women who remind you of the ones you left behind? Would you really do that to the woman whom you have sacrificed so much for? If you have any moral bone in your body, then you already know the answer….
It is the same for your wife. She will ADAPT to her new surroundings, but she will not SUCCUMB to them. Unless human beings are no better than monkeys, we can let morality guide us rather than instinct. Like Bud said, we will socialize with people more similar to us than different. And I like how Bud points out the irony of American women. They are incapable of handling the competition, so they feel the need to bring foreign women down to their level. Foreign women are too classy and dignified to engage, let alone start, such “cat-fighting.” As long as we prove to be the faithful, loving, strong men that these women deserve, then there is nothing we need to worry about! Foreign women want to love us as much as we want to love them.