I received an unexpected email this week from somewhere in Ukraine from “Al,” a 50-something, recently divorced gentleman from the west coast. Al wrote to me after buying my book to ask advice on his plan to travel to Ukraine last month with his church group, stay in a youth hostel, attend an A Foreign Affair social and hire an interpreter to help him meet ladies. Al is a nice guy who was serious about finding a wife in the foreign bride experience, though very skeptical about the women and their motives. At one point, Al asked me why he received a cynical reproach from a girl he had been writing to on his plan to stay at a youth hostel versus renting an apartment or booking a hotel. I believe Al was also confused about not being offered a chance to stay with his girl once they met in Ukraine. I explained to Al, who like many of us was operating on a budget, that trying to meet women in Ukraine for the purpose of love and marriage while staying in a youth hostel to save money was probably an uphill climb. Still I had hoped he would somehow succeed in his venture. Just about when I was wondering how he was doing – I got his email:
“Perhaps you remember me. I have lived now for 5 weeks in Ukraine. It is nothing like you said. I have little knowledge of Russian, but I have traveled all over the country. I have dated at least ten ladies besides meeting the ones at the socials. The men I met have not found a wife. The odds are really against us. I have learned more by being on my own and hiring and interpreter. I need to write a book and up date yours. It is very difficult to meet interested women to marry. Most women at fatalistic, live for the moment and think only of themselves. One woman I dated three times had me buy her groceries for her apartment. All I got was a kiss. And she wanted to marry me. The scams here are something. One agency had men and women writing to American men deceiving them in thinking they were writing to a beautiful woman. If pravda was told nobody would come her. Also the older women do not stay in shape as you suggested. The potatoes and bread take their toll.
Have you seen the statistics for successful (Ukrainian) marriages to American? I now know why. You are , I believe, a good and helpful man but you do not understand these people and the Ukrainian thinking. I am not mad. You can believe me or not. I just think your book is a fairy-tale that may have been true 10-12 years ago.”
My heart sank, as it usually does when I receive an email from or talk to a guy who has given up on his search for someone in the foreign bride experience. Guys give up when they fall in love with the wrong person, get scammed out of money, meet too many “bad women” or invest several years in the search and still come up empty handed. My heart sinks because I have met hundreds of lovely sincere ladies who want so badly to meet a nice guy – and the number of men who are ultimately willing to get on a plane and go pale in comparison to the overall numbers of women who join the process. I am also personally aware of hundreds of guys who have met their wives in Ukraine since I started working in this business 8 years ago, a great many of who I personally helped through the search.
I must admit, there have been a few guys through the years who for whatever reason couldn’t meet one sincere girl, let alone hundreds. I have struggled, at times, to figure out exactly what went wrong and continued to go wrong for as long as those few guys were in the search. But I am looking from the outside in. A closer look might have revealed a few fatal mistakes that could have included:
- Trying to meet only women who were much younger than they were – more than 20 years is often not realistic for most guys in this process. Some guys only want the fantasy in this thing and if they can’t have a fantasy they have no interest in a very gratifying reality.
- Failing to be aware of the most common foreign-bride scams, i.e., the “I can get a visa to the US but don’t have the money to pay for it so won’t you please send me money?” scam. It’s not uncommon to meet insincere women in this process just as it is not uncommon for foreign women to meet less than sincere men. The way to avoid disaster is to recognize the signs and move forward and some guys just fail to do so. A great deal of my book is dedicated to scams and how to avoid them.
- Having the wrong attitude altogether about women in this experience – some guys get off the plane in another country expecting every girl to be poor, desperate and dumb and are completely lost when the find otherwise. I HAVE SEEN THIS PERSONALLY MANY, MANY TIMES. These are the guys who eventually cry out to all who will listen that ALL foreign women are whores. I remember a tour client in St. Pete years ago who barged into the AFA office screaming those very words. He had bought a girl dinner and couldn’t believe she wouldn’t see him for a second date. I tried to explain that Russian women are a little embarrassed to be seen in public with a man wearing a read leather cowboy hat, but he wouldn’t hear of it.
The truth is, as I have said many times, the foreign bride experience is NOT or everyone. I wrote a book, the same book Al claims to have read, in which I went to great lengths to present the realities of this highly rewarding, exciting experience. Had Al listened to the advice I presented in Chapter 2 – a section on qualifying yourself for this experience before you spend your money – he would have possibly decided that traveling to Ukraine with a church group and staying in a youth hostel was hardly the way to convince a woman you were ready to support a wife and family. Rather than attract the right women, he became a magnet for others. Al seemed surprised to learn that some agencies based in Ukraine are in fact scams designed to take money from unsuspecting, uninformed men – MUCH LIKE THE AGENCY I WROTE ABOUT IN MY CHAPTER ON SCAMS. Al bought food for a girl’s apartment and said he was disappointed that he only got a kiss. Not sure what he was expecting there but he apparently glossed over the story of the “Grocery Lady” I cover in Chapter 8 of “Foreign Bride 101.” Every woman Al has dated has been selfish, disinterested and “fatalistic.” That doesn’t sound anything like the hundreds (literally!!) of Ukrainain women I have either met or interviewed over the years. All of the men Al has met have not met their wives. Not sure how many “all” is or if he’s referencing his fellow hostel-mates there but obviously Al’s experience completely contradicts that of hundreds of men who find true love with healthy, happy, beautiful women every year in Ukraine. If you’ve listened to the Live Calls I have done for 6 years with foreign women, 25 of which are currently available to listen to at this web-site, you haven’t heard “desperate, poor and dumb.” At this point I am wondering if Al’s church group took a serious wrong turn, or changed their plans at the last minute and set up camp in Baghdad.
Just for the record, I have seen no statistics on American Ukrainian relationships because there are very few available and even if there were – I absolutely don’t care. American -Ukrainian relationships that I am personally aware of that did not work out failed almost exclusively due to some negligence on the part of the guy – not the girl. Such stats, if they were available, wouldn’t even scratch the surface of the breadth of experiences in the foreign bride search, trust me. OR READ CHAPTER ONE! If a near 60% domestic divorce rate isn’t enough to convince any seriously marriage-minded guy he needs to consider all options in finding his life-partner, I recommend he stay home and date American. And good luck with that.
I wrote a book on how to use a reputable marriage agency to meet the thousands of incredibly lovely, sincere, marriage-minded, family-oriented women from countries like Russia, Ukraine, Colombia, The Philippines, etc. I did not write a book that shows guys how to travel to Ukraine on a church group mission (something I would otherwise completely support) hoping to convince Ukrainian women you are financially stable enough for a wife and family.
Recently, while conducting a seminar on international dating in Chicago, a woman from my audience approached to explain she was the fiancee of a former AFA romance tour client and that she had read my book and believed it to be authentic and reliable. She said it seemed I truly understood foreign women and wrote everything from their perspective. Galina said she couldn’t wait for me to write my next one. (I am not making this up.)
That particular audience was also quite smitten by another lovely foreign lady, Olga, who came with her husband to share their experiences and to encourage guys to get involved. The guys were thoroughly charmed by her beauty, her accent and her genuine enthusiasm. “What are you waiting for” she said, “this is your life, your future. Why aren’t you on a plane right now?”
Galina and Olga, by the way, are Ukrainian.
Al is a nice guy, I believe, but he is one of literally almost a thousand guys I have known in the foreign bride experience. Looking back at all of those guys I have to agree with one thing Al wrote – my book is a fairy-tale – for some! But certainly not for all, not for most, and not for the guys willing to listen to the advice therein. Anyone who has purchased “Foreign Bride 101” knows it is not written to sell romance tours but to reveal the realities of the search to those who will listen, read and heed. Al can write his book, and join the hoards of others who populate the foreign bride forums night after night shouting down anyone with the slightest positive thing to say about foreign women. He’ll be in good company.
I told Al, and I meant it, that I hoped things somehow turned around for him before he got back. It shouldn’t be so hard, I suppose for nice guys – even the reality challenged ones, to meet someone. Then again, one of my goals in writing “Foreign Bride 101” was to thin the herd a little bit and outrightly discourage those bound to fail. I didn’t waste one word in writing my book, trust me. I agonized for months over every answer. I can’t argue Al’s experience, of course, but I am sure a closer look would reveal a few wrong decisions that made all the difference.
Guys, read my book – and more than read – listen, REALLY LISTEN to what is written there for you. I am more passionate about helping good people find each other than anyone else out there. I want you to have what I have and thousands of others have.
No fairy-tale here, my friend.
