Will She Become “Americanized?”

December 3rd, 2008

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       My friend Kevin from Ohio posed a familiar question last night during our weekly A Foreign Affair  -  Sponsored  conference call:  “If I were to marry a foreign bride, and she would obviously relocate here to live with me, will she eventually become “Americanized” to the point where she loses interest in me or change so much that I lose interest in her?”  I love this question because it speaks to the subconscious reasons we doubt everything good we read about women in the foreign bride search.  Those doubts and the inherent distrust of foreign women’s true motives for finding a husband abroad are deeply rooted in – of all things – our experiences with women thus far.  Let me explain…               

         Have you mentioned your interest in the foreign bride search to your friends, family or coworkers?  Have you told anyone you’ve visited websites like www.loveme.com and have been encouraged by what you’ve read or seen?  It’s only human nature to reach out to those closest to you for support and encouragement for an endeavor so serious and potentially life-defining, right?  If you have ventured to reveal your growing enthusiasm for the foreign bride search to anyone not directly involved in it – how did that go?  Most men immediately regret opening their mouths to share what they’ve heard due to the overwhelmingly negative reaction we get from even our closest people.  “What are you, brain-dead?” they say.  “Have you lost your mind?  WHY would you do that?  Haven’t you heard the news stories about all the women who come here and scam guys out of money or who take off and leave the guy after they get here?  These women are just after citizenship.  They’ll come here, get Americanized, and take all your money and leave. For God’s sake, DON’T do that!”

               Yup.  That’s what I thought.  But honestly I bet you’ll find the harshest reaction to the whole foreign life-partner idea will come from American women who never see the self-convicting irony in accusing foreign girls of becoming “Americanized.”  We always criticize in others that which we dislike so much about ourselves, some wise person once observed.

              Well the first good news is – THEY’RE WRONG!!  Well meaning Americans love talking out of their hind-ends on topics we really know little about. Our stuck-up American paradigm says all foreign people who are not US want to be US and will do anything – including the foreign bride thing – to become one of US.  That paradigm is flawed.  There is nothing to support that even a significant number of foreign women who come here to marry their American husbands want anything but love, marriage and the family that comes with.  The second good news is – foreign women who come here to marry generally don’t become “Americanized,” rather they stay true to their core values and grow to deeply love and appreciate the men who saved them from a life of loneliness.

               Rather than talk about the discouraging opinions of less informed people, let’s talk instead about our reaction – to the reactions of others!  What happens when we allow ourselves to be humbly brought back to “reality” by those silly people who think all foreign women are desperate little urchins trying to scam us.  What happens is – we believe them, right?  “Of course,” we think, “why am I so stupid.  What a dumb idea.  Even if she does come here for love and all the right reasons, she’ll eventually go out and meet other women at work or through friends.  She’ll start thinking like they do and wanting the same things they want.  She’ll eventually see me they way American women do and become unhappy – then what?!”  When you eventually hear that little devil standing on your shoulder and poking his fork into your happily-ever-after bubble, whispering in your ear that all your dreams of love are stupid, that you’re a fool for even considering the search for international love, I want you to do one thing:  remember what a nice, disserving, loving guy you are and kick his little ass!  Then STOP LISTENING to anyone who doesn’t get behind you 100%.

              Haven’t we everyday men been trained to believe that beautiful, intelligent women don’t fall in love with us?  Haven’t we been told or haven’t we been made painfully aware that very desirable women don’t do relationships with US unless they’re after something we pretend not to be aware of?  What are those mocking voices saying to us about our eligibility for such beautiful foreign ladies?  That we average Joes don’t qualify for THAT kind of girl?  We don’t have enough money, or aren’t handsome enough to disserve REAL love from a truly BEAUTIFUL woman?   That by nature such a pursuit will surely conclude with our humiliation in some kind of scam?  What our friends and coworkers are trying to tell us is no less what our society believes as a whole – beauty is a commodity to be enjoyed by the wealthy and gorgeous. 

The rest of us are bottom feeders, right?

               WHY couldn’t a foreign girl fall in love with you for all the RIGHT reasons?  Seriously – answer this question for yourself right now!  You’re a NICE guy.  Your wife will always be sure you LOVE her.  Your children will never witness you disrespecting their mother.  Your home will be HAPPY and warm.  You may not ever be rich but you can provide a STEADY and predictable lifestyle.  You will RESPECT her.  You will NURTURE her dreams.  You will be FAITHFUL and SURE – qualities many foreign women struggle to find in their men.  You will provide the kind of strong foundation for love and family that foreign women desire so deeply they will relocate and completely redefine their lives for such a prize.  You will dedicate your life to her!  Of course you disserve THAT kind of love!  Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!  Some of the world’s most beautiful and intelligent women are treated so badly by men in their culture they never develop the sense of righteous entitlement so many American women have.  All they want is a loving guy dependable enough for them to build their lives around and the more sacrifice they have to make in order to find him – the more true to him they will be in the long run.

               Foreign women don’t become Americanized.  You won’t see many foreign women wearing their slippers and pajamas to the mall.  They’re not likely to declare, as an ex-girlfriend of mine once did, that they “don’t want to live in a small house just to be able to say they have love.”  They won’t sleep with some other guy just to hurt you when you when you somehow don’t meet their expectations.  Sound familiar, guys?  You bet it does!  Foreign women will seek out other foreign women here for friendship and social networking.  They will not be able to identify with or understand the actions and motives of American women and won’t feel obligated to even try.  Your girl’s core values will not fail you because you have earned her love, focus and commitment.  Beauty is not the commodity in other countries that it can be here.  Good character and values are! 

                  Go and find the love you should have from an alluring girl with a charming accent.  And learn to edit out the well-meaning but completely uninformed opinions of those who have settled for less than the real and soulful love we were all meant

 

 

Posted in Live Calls, How Do I Know What to Realistically Expect in a Foreign | 1 Comment »

Russian Women Want Us Back

November 25th, 2008

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I must admit, I’m in a state of shock.

                I am stunned to learn that after 13 years of romance tours to Russia – this month will mark the LAST A Foreign Affair departure to St. Petersburg, the city where all Romance Tours began in the mid 90’s.  Not only is AFA chopping St. Pete from its 2009 Tour Schedule, but the few competitors out there still doing Romance Tours are following suit.  There will be NO organized group Romance Tours to St. Pete- or Russia - in 2009 – by anyone!  Wow!!  12 million more women than men and NO ROMANCE TOURS TO MEET THEM!!

                Wow!!
                That’s not to say the overall Tour Schedule isn’t offering other excellent destinations for finding HER.  Give credit to A Foreign Affair for developing other cities in countries where foreign guys are every bit as wanted as in the FSU.  An ability to adapt in changing times is what keeps most businesses in the game.   In fact, the 2009 AFA Tour Schedule is as diverse as it has ever been and includes established favorites like Odessa, Ukraine, Lima, Peru, Medellin, Colombia and Davao City, Philippines.   Those are all terrific places to find an exciting life-partner.  But having been to St. Petersburg 5 times, the first of which introduced me to my Victoria in 2001, I’m saddened to see the lack of interest in what has thus far been the largest and most promising city in the foreign bride search.  I can’t help but feel a sense of loss for the countless ladies I have met or interviewed from St. Pete recently – whose chances of meeting someone will drop dramatically with no Romance Tours in sight.  It’s amazing to think of how just a few years ago I stood in those St. Pete socials, marveling at all the women in attendance, and commenting that after 10 years it amazed me how many women still came to this process.

                So, what happened?  How did St. Pete – once the defacto king of Romance Tour destinations for all major International Marriage Agencies – become relegated to the role of least desirable location? More importantly, how did this happen in a matter of just a few recent years?  And why is looking at Russia’s loss of popularity on the foreign bride front even significant when there are so many other great places to realize the dream of finding foreign love?  I think popular misconceptions around St. Pete – as summarized in foreign bride forums all over the internet – could eventually happen to any city on any Romance Tour schedule. I think it’s important to point them out, those misunderstandings, and bring respectability back to the “Venice of the North” for the sake of all those lonely foreign ladies still waiting for YOU to come and find them.  What happened to St. Petersburg speaks to the practices and priorities of many International Marriage Agencies – and we as consumers should be aware.  So, allow me…

                I could write that the cost of a Russian visa – nearly $250 – is a deterrent for most guys already shelling out an average of $4000 in Romance Tour fees.  I am sure that has been a minor reason men have turned more toward countries like Ukraine, where no visa for travel is required of Americans.  I could say the recent conflict in Georgia and related bad press events have soured most men’s impressions of Russia overall.  Certainly, the development of foreign bride related enterprises in Latin America and Asia have drawn some of the crowd away from the FSU, especially Latin America where tour costs might be a third less than Russia.  I could give credit to the many men who have returned from Russia without a 21 year old Victoria’s Secret wannabe in tow – men who have written from here to kingdom come that St. Pete has hosted too many tours and is now sufficiently “picked-over.”  (This is a joke, of course – it’s virtually impossible to “pick over” any large city in the foreign bride search.  Add up all the profiles of all agencies for women in St. Pete and you wouldn’t even have 1% of the population!)  Probably all of these have contributed somewhat to St. Pete’s dwindling reputation.

                But take a look at what’s happened in the Odessa, Ukraine region in the past few years.  IMA’s are receiving more and more profiles from scantily clad young girls – really beautiful and really young girls – and not just from Odessa but the southern part of Ukraine in general, Mariupol, Kherson, Nikolaev etc.  God knows, the FSU is bursting at the seams with millions of such irresistible girls.  During all my years of counseling men in the foreign bride search, I have seen countless guys find, court, date, fall in love with and file a fiancée visa for these “crème de la crèmes” only to be disappointed in the end when girls changed their minds and didn’t come.  The younger and more revealing the girl and her profile, the less likely she was to follow through on relocation in the end, it seemed.  Yet hundreds of men whose focus led them to late 20-something or 30-something ladies whose profiles featured less revealing pictures were able to complete the process with a happy bride in the end.  So, where do hundreds of scantily clad profiles of model-type girls come from?  From modeling agencies, of course.

                For some reason the vast majority of model wannabe profiles have come from Ukraine, not Russia, stoking red hot attention for cities like Odessa while gradually drying out focus on Russia overall.  Guys read all the pertinent generalizations about foreign women struggling to meet family-oriented men and we apply that info ONLY to the most perfect ladies profiles.  I get emails every week from men asking why the girl they are writing to or calling isn’t writing or calling back.  I take a look at her profile and sure enough … I then write back and say “Sorry, friend, but honestly she’s probably buried in emails from the hundreds of men who ONLY write to the model wannabes.  Try someone who’s trying to find a husband not trying to land a swimsuit gig.”  And then I remember all the women in Russia who are upset with me after doing live interviews where no one out of 50 guys listening and participating wrote to them afterwards.  I must admit – I am at a loss to explain that.  MEN LOVE FANTASY!!!!! 

                12 million more women than men – think about the implications of that, guys!  Considering the whole foreign bride phenomenon started in Russia in the mid 90’s – and is now dwindling down to smoke and ashes - could it be that Russian women have caught on to the fantasy marketing practices of most IMA’s and have little faith their efforts to find a sincere foreign man will come to fruition?  Could the good women of Ukraine become one day as skeptical as that, leaving only the most unreliable ladies profiles for men to pursue?  Of course, we’ll probably never know unless we one day discover that there are no more tours to Ukraine and the emphasis moves to Latin America or Asia.  It would be easy to blame the agencies for providing us with all the misleading eye-candy to begin with, thus turning our attention away from those ladies more likely to be accessible to us, but the agencies will typically provide what their male clients are asking for – and too many guys have only perfection in mind when seeking a foreign bride – which is why too many guys fail and too many wonderful ladies go undiscovered every year.  Time for a healthy, productive reality check, boys.  I have met too many truly lovely, down-to-earth ladies who can barely get ANY guy to write to them.  If we are serious about coming out of this with a positive result – serious about finding HER – we can’t afford to overlook the most reliable profiles that give us the best chance in finding that rare, life-defining love.

                I know of a previous 40-something AFA tour client – I’ll call him Dave – who’s first Romance Tour to Ukraine was years ago and who still visits Ukraine several times a year in search of the young model wannabe.  Dave recently lamented his inability to get any of the younger girls in bed with him despite all those trips and all that lavish gift-giving.  “I keep running into the ‘I’m saving myself for marriage’ excuse,” he said.  I asked him to consider meeting someone a little older and more mature – like say – 30?!!  And I suggested Russia over Ukraine just because I know there are many, MANY wonderful, serious 30-something single ladies there.  “No, I like coming to Ukraine.  The girls here are more desperate.”  I laughed at this.  The girls in Ukraine are more desperate – but apparently not desperate enough to sleep with Dave.  Yet Dave is just one of many guys who go trekking off to Ukraine each year in search of model wannabes – spending thousands to find that elusive desperate young girl when a real and loving life-partner could have been standing right in front of them countess times. 

                We need to do a better job at promoting the 25 and over ladies of Ukraine.  And we need to make sure we haven’t heard the last of similar women from Russia.  I personally will see to that.  I know all too well what waits for you nice guys out there. 

Posted in Live Calls | 2 Comments »

It’s Enough to Make You “Generally Nuts.”

August 19th, 2008

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 I read an article recently that got my blood boiling.  It’s an old article, dated December 2004, prior to the passing of IMBRA, the International Marriage Broker Regulation Act, about the state of the so-called Mail-Order-Bride business.  Overall, the article objectively portrayed the sincere efforts of a few agencies to help good men and women find each other through international introductions. A few quotes, however, from some of the so-called experts whose shabby research contributed to Congress to imposing IMBRA on us in the first place got me really – well, pissed off!!  You all know how I love to rant – so here I go again.
            The quote that got my back up so much was this, referring to the infamous study that Congress commissioned which states that no less than 100% of the men who participate in international marriage through agencies like A Foreign Affair are predators seeking women they can completely control.
     “In general, I found the women were honest and sincere and the men were generally nuts,” says Robert James Scholes, a retired University of Florida professor and the author of a 1999 study for Congress on mail-order brides. “I said, ‘Screen the guys or get them to a shrink.’ ”


            Give me a flippin’ break. 


            Although completely right about the vast majority of women in the process being of good character and intention, the conclusion that the majority of men who seek foreign brides are dangerous is, in my opinion, inherently flawed and absurd.  I don’t know where this guy conducted his research but he somehow missed the hundreds of nice guys and their now happy foreign brides I have had the pleasure to know during the past 7 years since my first exposure to the foreign bride experience.  If one man (that being me) alone could have found hundreds of happy couples how could a University of Florida prof conducting research deemed worthy of Congressional action have missed finding any of the thousands of satisfied foreign ladies who have married American?  Perhaps he missed them because he wasn’t looking for them.  Happy foreign brides are not hard to find – they populate forums all over the internet. 
            Yes, there are a few jackasses who find there way to this process – the search for a wife abroad.  (They too populate forums all over the internet.)  I have written before that men with obvious personality flaws who have no business looking for a wife anywhere on the planet somehow find their way to International Marriage Agencies.  They enter the process, fail miserably because of their poor judgment and lack of character then come home and write volumes throughout the web on the supposed “truth” about foreign women.  But these men do not represent the vast majority of nice guys, with good family values, who view this as their last hope of finding an equally family-oriented life-partner.  These guys deserve to meet someone and many of them do. 
            I realize this study is almost 10 years old, and this is an old quote – but it speaks to a common, current, culture-wide misperception we Americans have towards men who seek out foreign women in search of lasting love.  It’s the same ugly stereotype that causes me to not engage most everyday people I meet in any discussion around how I met my wife, Viktoria.  By my not bringing it up, or dodging their questions when they ask, I don’t have to tell them we met on an AFA romance tour back in 2001.  They don’t have to give me that dirty look I despise so much, and I don’t have to tell them to go to Michaels, buy a rubber stamp kit, arrange letters that spell “limited” and stamp it to their foreheads.  You see – by avoiding the topic altogether in public, I can be seen as the friendly, kind and forbearing man I really am.  J
            Look, enough of the bashing of foreign bride finders.  We all know good men and women who struggle for some reason to meet the right person.  We have brothers, friends, neighbors and coworkers about whom we say “Man, if only he/she could just meet someone nice.  He/she has so much to offer.”  If that person we know is YOU, or a lovely foreign lady half way around the world, why shouldn’t there be a way for you two good people to find each other?  And why can’t the rest of the world take its collective head out of its collective ass enough to figure that out? 
            One definite reason for the false perception of us guys is the unrealistic, fantasy-oriented appearance of most agency web-sites which choose to display profiles of young, scantily clad women claiming to want to meet men more than 25 years their age.  Noone, this author included, believes these profiles to be authentic yet they attract a number of men hoping to find a sexy pen-pal worthy of Sports Illustrated over the thousands of more realistic possibilities.  Looking at these profiles, and realizing the kind of fantasy appeal they are intended to have, it’s a small wonder the world jumps to conclusions about us.  Yet most serious men who inevitably go on romance tours (at least in my considerable experience) are just everyday guys with good intentions trying to fall in love, get married – and stay married.  Most have no faith they could meet a happy, healthy, monogamous and commitment-minded life-partner here in the states, and that’s why they go abroad.  We’re talking about hundreds and hundreds of guys every year.   HOW DOES ANYONE DOING CREDIBLE RESEARCH ON THE FOREIGN BRIDE TOPIC MISS THAT???!!!
            The more I read the apparently biased and flawed opinions of others about the foreign bride experience – the more I want to do all I can to empower each and every one of you lonely nice guys.  I want to show you how to step beyond the discouraging stereotypes of others, including well meaning friends and family, and into the self-realization of finding that one special life-partner who loves you, appreciates you and is thankful for you every day.  The number of seemingly dangerous men I have met in my brief 7 years in this business I could count on one hand.  The number of true gentlemen I have had the pleasure to know number in the hundreds.  Let’s lock arms guys – let’s hold each other up and empower one another to keep moving forward and forward until we are all face to face with someone we always knew was out there for us.  Someone we were unable to find until now.  Let’s do this because we can and because as true nice guys who want nothing less than love and happiness, we deserve to find them.

 

 

Posted in Live Calls | No Comments »

Tripping On Email

July 22nd, 2008

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 I received an unexpected email this week from somewhere in Ukraine from “Al,” a 50-something, recently divorced gentleman from the west coast.  Al wrote to me after buying my book to ask advice on his plan to travel to Ukraine last month with his church group, stay in a youth hostel, attend an A Foreign Affair social and hire an interpreter to help him meet ladies.  Al is a nice guy who was serious about finding a wife in the foreign bride experience, though very skeptical about the women and their motives.  At one point, Al asked me why he received a cynical reproach from a girl he had been writing to on his plan to stay at a youth hostel versus renting an apartment or booking a hotel.  I believe Al was also confused about not being offered a chance to stay with his girl once they met in Ukraine.  I explained to Al, who like many of us was operating on a budget, that trying to meet women in Ukraine for the purpose of love and marriage while staying in a youth hostel to save money was probably an uphill climb.  Still I had hoped he would somehow succeed in his venture.  Just about when I was wondering how he was doing - I got his email:

“Perhaps you remember me.  I have lived now for 5 weeks in Ukraine.   It is nothing  like you said.  I have little knowledge of Russian,  but I have traveled all  over the country.  I have dated at least  ten ladies besides meeting the ones at  the socials.  The men  I met have not found a wife.  The odds are really against  us.  I have learned more by being on my own and hiring and interpreter.   I need  to write a book and up date yours.  It is very difficult  to meet interested  women to marry.  Most women at fatalistic,  live for the moment and think only of  themselves.  One woman  I dated three times had me buy her groceries for her  apartment.   All I got was a kiss.  And she wanted to marry me.  The scams  here  are something.  One agency had men and women writing to  American men deceiving  them in thinking they were writing to a  beautiful woman.  If pravda was told  nobody would come her.   Also the older women do not stay in shape as you  suggested.   The potatoes and bread take their toll.

Have you seen the statistics for successful (Ukrainian)  marriages to American? I now know why. You are , I  believe, a good and helpful  man but you do not understand these people and the Ukrainian  thinking. I  am not mad.  You can believe me or not.  I just  think your book is a  fairy-tale that may have been true 10-12  years ago.”

My heart sank, as it usually does when I receive an email from or talk to a guy who has given up on his search for someone in the foreign bride experience.  Guys give up when they fall in love with the wrong person, get scammed out of money, meet too many “bad women” or invest several years in the search and still come up empty handed.  My heart sinks because I have met hundreds of lovely sincere ladies who want so badly to meet a nice guy - and the number of men who are ultimately willing to get on a plane and go pale in comparison to the overall numbers of women who join the process.  I am also personally aware of hundreds of guys who have met their wives in Ukraine since I started working in this business 8 years ago, a great many of who I personally helped through the search. 

I must admit, there have been a few guys through the years who for whatever reason couldn’t meet one sincere girl, let alone hundreds.  I have struggled, at times, to figure out exactly what went wrong and continued to go wrong for as long as those few guys were in the search.  But I am looking from the outside in.  A closer look might have revealed a few fatal mistakes that could have included:

- Trying to meet only women who were much younger than they were - more than 20 years is often not realistic for most guys in this process.  Some guys only want the fantasy in this thing and if they can’t have a fantasy they have no interest in a very gratifying reality.

- Failing to be aware of the most common foreign-bride scams, i.e., the “I can get a visa to the US but don’t have the money to pay for it so won’t you please send me money?” scam.  It’s not uncommon to meet insincere women in this process just as it is not uncommon for foreign women to meet less than sincere men.  The way to avoid disaster is to recognize the signs and move forward and some guys just fail to do so.  A great deal of my book is dedicated to scams and how to avoid them.

- Having the wrong attitude altogether about women in this experience - some guys get off the plane in another country expecting every girl to be poor, desperate and dumb and are completely lost when the find otherwise.  I HAVE SEEN THIS PERSONALLY MANY, MANY TIMES.  These are the guys who eventually cry out to all who will listen that ALL foreign women are whores.  I remember a tour client in St. Pete years ago who barged into the AFA office screaming those very words.  He had bought a girl dinner and couldn’t believe she wouldn’t  see him for a second date.  I tried to explain that Russian women are a little embarrassed to be seen in public with a man wearing a read leather cowboy hat, but he wouldn’t hear of it.

The truth is, as I have said many times, the foreign bride experience is NOT or everyone.  I wrote a book, the same book Al claims to have read, in which I went to great lengths to present the realities of this highly rewarding, exciting experience.  Had Al listened to the advice I presented in Chapter 2 - a section on qualifying yourself for this experience before you spend your money - he would have possibly decided that traveling to Ukraine with a church group and staying in a youth hostel was hardly the way to convince a woman you were ready to support a wife and family.  Rather than attract the right women, he became a magnet for others.  Al seemed surprised to learn that some agencies based in Ukraine are in fact scams designed to take money from unsuspecting, uninformed men - MUCH LIKE THE AGENCY I WROTE ABOUT IN MY CHAPTER ON SCAMS.  Al bought food for a girl’s apartment and said he was disappointed that he only got a kiss.  Not sure what he was expecting there but he apparently glossed over the story of the “Grocery Lady” I cover in Chapter 8 of “Foreign Bride 101.”   Every woman Al has dated has been selfish, disinterested and “fatalistic.”  That doesn’t sound anything like the hundreds (literally!!) of Ukrainain women I have either met or interviewed over the years. All of the men Al has met have not met their wives.  Not sure how many  “all” is or if he’s referencing his fellow hostel-mates there but obviously Al’s experience completely contradicts that of hundreds of men who find true love with healthy, happy, beautiful women every year in Ukraine.  If you’ve listened to the Live Calls I have done for 6 years with foreign women, 25 of which are currently available to listen to at this web-site, you haven’t heard “desperate, poor and dumb.”   At this point I am wondering if Al’s church group took a serious wrong turn, or changed their plans at the last minute and set up camp in Baghdad.

Just for the record, I have seen no statistics on American Ukrainian relationships because there are very few available and even if there were - I absolutely don’t care.  American -Ukrainian relationships that I am personally aware of that did not work out failed almost exclusively due to some negligence on the part of the guy - not the girl.  Such stats, if they were available, wouldn’t even scratch the surface of the breadth of experiences in the foreign bride search, trust me.  OR READ CHAPTER ONE!  If a near 60% domestic divorce rate isn’t enough to convince any seriously marriage-minded guy he needs to consider all options in finding his life-partner, I recommend he stay home and date American.  And good luck with that.

I wrote a book on how to use a reputable marriage agency to meet the thousands of incredibly lovely, sincere, marriage-minded, family-oriented women from countries like Russia, Ukraine, Colombia, The Philippines, etc.  I did not write a book that shows guys how to travel to Ukraine on a church group mission (something I would otherwise completely support) hoping to convince Ukrainian women you are financially stable enough for a wife and family.

 Recently, while conducting a seminar on international dating in Chicago, a woman from my audience approached to explain she was the fiancee of a former AFA romance tour client and that she had read my book and believed it to be authentic and reliable.  She said it seemed I truly understood foreign women and wrote everything from their perspective.  Galina said she couldn’t wait for me to write my next one.  (I am not making this up.)

That particular audience was also quite smitten by another lovely foreign lady, Olga, who came with her husband to share their experiences and to encourage guys to get involved.  The guys were thoroughly charmed by her beauty, her accent and her genuine enthusiasm.  “What are you waiting for” she said, “this is your life, your future.  Why aren’t you on a plane right now?” 

Galina and Olga, by the way, are Ukrainian.

Al is a nice guy, I believe, but he is one of literally almost a thousand guys I have known in the foreign bride experience. Looking back at all of those guys I have to agree with one thing Al wrote - my book is a fairy-tale - for some!  But certainly not for all, not for most, and not for the guys willing to listen to the advice therein.  Anyone who has purchased “Foreign Bride 101”  knows it is not written to sell romance tours but to reveal the realities of the search to those who will listen, read and heed. Al can write his book, and join the hoards of others who populate the foreign bride forums night after night shouting down anyone with the slightest positive thing to say about foreign women.  He’ll be in good company.

I told Al, and I meant it, that I hoped things somehow turned around for him before he got back.  It shouldn’t be so hard, I suppose for nice guys - even the reality challenged ones, to meet someone.  Then again, one of my goals in writing “Foreign Bride 101” was to thin the herd a little bit and outrightly discourage those bound to fail.  I didn’t waste one word in writing my book, trust me.  I agonized for months over every answer.  I can’t argue Al’s experience, of course, but I am sure a closer look would reveal a few wrong decisions that made all the difference.

Guys, read my book - and more than read - listen, REALLY LISTEN to what is written there for you.  I am more passionate about helping good people find each other than anyone else out there.  I want you to have what I have and thousands of others have.

No fairy-tale here, my friend.

Posted in Traveling to Meet HER | No Comments »

Why Won’t She Say “She Loves Me?”

July 16th, 2008

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     Another great question I was asked to expand upon last Monday night, from one of our great listeners - was read to me from right out of my book “Foreign Bride 101:”

     “My foreign bride and I have spent considerable time together, have become intimate and are applying for the fiancee visa together.  Yet, despite all this, she refuses to say she loves me.  She says it’s too early.  Does this make sense?”

     This question raises an eyebrow from first time readers - and guys who have yet to meet foreign women.  “Is that actually possible?  Does that actually happen - that a foreign girl will go through all the correct motions, the dating, courtship and fiancee visa process and NOT be ready to declare her love to me?”  The answer, again based on hundreds of couples I have helped through this process - is YES - but not often.  Experience has shown that when a foreign woman is hesitant to say she loves her guy but is willing to be intimate, work through the fiancee visa process and eventually relocate to another country - she probably has her eye on something other than the dream of love you have in mind.  That “something”  - would be your wallet.  

     Once again, boys, I am talking about only a handful of guys out of hundreds of others who otherwise encountered no such hesitation on the part of the girl - because they were good guys who met good girls who demonstarted a healthy love and respect for each other.  But in the event you ever meet  a foreign girl who just cannot give her heart completely ( and give these ladies credit for being honest at least,) you could be headed for disaster once your girl arrives in the US if her expectations are not in line with your reality. 

      This kind of hesitation on the part of the lady can be expressed in several ways and certainly before any kind of intimacy occurs.  There was the gentleman who made his way to Odessa to meet a woman he had been writing to for several months.  He had planned to spend three weeks there - to take his girl on a Black Sea vacation - romance was definitely in the air.  He asked me about taking a ring.  I advised him to go modest.  (Modest turned out to be $10K.) So he got on the plane, met the girl and everything was fine until she told him within hours of his arrival that “Oh, by the way - there’s not going to be any sex during your visit.”  CRASH!! 

      I am by no means suggesting one can expect sex during any visit with foreign women or on romance tours etc - again, I am following my basic Christian beliefs here.  But being told upfront that his girl was completely closing herself off to the possibility of falling in love was the complete opposite reaction he was hoping to get when they finally met after weeks of writing.   At one point she doubted he made enough money to support a family.  (His annual income was quite sufficient.) Obviously, once he realized she was not trying to fall in love - at least not with him - he moved on.  Lesson learned:  do not travel to any foreign city to visit only one girl.  Plan on meeting at least a few ladies so if one exhibits squirrly behavior or a hesitance to fall in love with you - you can focus your attention on someone who will be happy to reciprocate.

     Look, most foreign women want to fall in love and give themselves to you completely - and they want the same from you. A few will be more focused on getting some unsuspecting, lonely guy to send them money and will allow enough coursthip to achieve this.  Fewer still, will be hoping for a lavish lifestyle when they come to America and will pursue marriage to a foreign guy - not for citizenship - but for material gain.  This is especially possible when the age difference exceeds 20 years.  Again, and I have said this many times - these women are easy to spot because they will present “red-flags” of warning throughout the early stages of your relationship.  One needs only to recognize red-flags for what they are and act decisively.  

     The real confusion occurs - and for good reason - when the ONLY red-flag behavior is her reluctance to say she has fallen in love AFTER intimacy and commitment have been established.  How terribly frustrating it must feel when you believe you’ve found the once-in-a-lifetime woman you love enough to consider spending your life with, with whom intimacy is powerful and far-reaching, and whom you enjoy and admire and feel such strong attraction to - only to never  hear those three precious and life-defining words from her lips.  I’m telling you right now - if you ever find yourself in that situation - you must have the brevity to move on because something is seriously not right.  Foreign women want to fall in love - want to express their love and they know how to do it.  If you wanted to be left begging for affection and burdened by insecurity you don’t exactly have to leave familiar shores for that - right?

     I tell guys all the the time - in order to really succeed in the foreign bride experience you have to be a sincere nice guy, with good old fashioned family values, and a healthy respect for women.  You have to be a bit of a maverick, a risk-taker, (though the risks are marginal if you take the right steps along the way,) a promise-keeper and a bit of an adventurer.  If you are all of these and part of that elusive 3% of guys who actually get their tails on a plane to go and meet some of these rare and lovely women - you can win the heart of a beautiful, dedicated girl.  If you are all that - then you should go and have the experience you want to have with no letdowns.  God knows the 15 million surplus women in the former FSU alone, and countless others in Latin American and Asian cities would love to meet someone like you and wouldn’t hesitate to say they love you when the time is right.  You should not settle for less than the best love experience of your life.  At any point in the journey if you have to beg for consideration and affection - even well into the fiancee visa period - you have to have the courage to move on.  NO REALLY GOOD GUY SHOULD EVER HAVE TO WAIT TO HEAR “I LOVE YOU” FROM HIS FOREIGN GIRL!  Too many exciting, serious women are waiting for you to find them. 

Posted in Getting Serious About HER | No Comments »

What Do Foreign Women Really Expect From Life In America

July 15th, 2008
It’s good to be back!  Been away from my blog for awhile due to some seriuous re-evaluating of just what exactly I am doing here - and after countless conversations I think Victoria and I have really figured out where we want this site to go.  More on that later…
  
Some excellent questions from last night’s weekly phone conference around the foreign bride experience… Thanks to all who participated.   Remember guys - you can join us for our weekly group discussions to answer all your questions about foreign brides by simply dialing in on Monday nights - 404-920-6610 and entering 935905#.  If you haven’t participated yet - YOU SHOULD!  Great group of guys and lots of good questions.  Remember also we talk live with foreign women every weekend and you can dial in the same way - write me for specific times and which ladies we’ll be talking to - bud@foreignbride101.com.
My favorite question of the night was “When foreign women come here to live with their new husbands - what do they really expect from life in America?”
My answer comes from years of experience with countless couples who have contacted Victoria and I during that very unpredictable period when the girl had just arrived here in America and was adjusting to her new life - and new family.  What most foreign women want out of life in America is really very simple.  Foreign women want:
1. To be truly loved and respected by their man.  That means all the love, respect, consideration, focus, monogamy and attention doesn’t change once she arrives.  We joke in America about how womens attitudes toward intimacy change after marriage - foreign women do not want us to be any less romantic and loving after they arrive, nor do they want our attitudes to become selfish and neglectful.  One lady called Victoria to say her fiancee’s new favorite expression in response to her requests for basic things was “You can’t just have everything you want - you’re not in Russia anymore.”  We suggested she hit him upside the head with a frying pan. Cast iron…
Guys often make the mistake of assuming once the girl arrives the hard part is over and it’s “all about me time.” I’ve mentioned here already how wrong that is.  Certainly your girl came here to love and be loved - and you will get your share of her attention and emotional surrender once she has had time to adjust - but it’s very important to be as loving,  understanding and compromising as possible in those first few months while she transitions to her new life here.  Guys often completely underestimate how difficult daily tasks are for foreign ladies trying to create their new lives here.  You have to be the same encouraging, supporting and tirelessly patient man she knew in courtship.  Again guys - the rewards will be endless.
2. To live on a level no less than they lived in their homeland.  Here is another mistake we men sometimes make - assuming that having love alone is enough to make a foreign girl happy.  NOW - DON’T READ TOO MUCH INTO THAT!  I’m not saying that a foreign lady’s decision to come here is as much about material gain as it is about love.  I’ve seen nothing to indicate that is true in most cases I am familiar with, despite all you may read to the contrary.  Guys who don’t happen to have Bill Gates money or who live modestly can definitely win the heart of a lovely foreign lady who will come here to live with them for all the right reasons BUT - keep in mind that the biggest misperception we have about women in this process is they are poor and destitute and living on any level in America is a step up from where they are.  Not true, my friend.
Most foreign women work, earn money, save a little, and can buy basic things as they need them.  They will pay all their monthly bills, go to a cafe or a museum on the weekends and take an occasional vacation with their family and friends.  When these same women come to America with no status until forms are filed and fees are paid (by you the fiancee petitioner,) they don’t have the legal ability to do much of anything.  They can’t work right away, or drive a car, open a bank account etc.  I will tell you right now - this frustrates the heck out of most foreign women.  I think alot of guys develop some kind of paranoia about being duped in a visa scam once their girl begins to inquire almost daily - “When will we send our documents in?  When can I get a work permit?  How can I get a car?”  And because we, in all our lunkheadedness, fail to see how we have compromised our foreign lady’s world we get angry and defensive when our girl wants things that are typical and available in her previous life. Foreign women will want to work, drive, open a bank account, have a credit card, (even small guaranteed one is fine,) buy basic things when they need them, take advantage of a sale or two at Target or Kohls.  Guys - be honest with yourselves - if you live paycheck to paycheck (been there done that so I know what I’m talking about,) and will not be able to afford to move your lady along through the adjustment of status phase or allow her access to money she can spend on miscellaneous things as she sees fit until she can earn her own - you’re asking for a world of misunderstanding and hurt.  Be flexible and be prepared.  DO NOT assume that just because your girl is from another culture she’ll have no needs or wishes or goals.
Some of our favorite couples include women who came here  to marry a guy who had lost his job or was self-employed but weathering a rough period. The women typically stand by their guy and wait for better times but you have to have a plan that is realistic and doable.  One gentleman, a trucker by trade,  asked me recently if a foreign girl woud mind living out of a semi for awhile, seeing the country until they get their feet under them financially.  My answer was simple - “If the girl is doing that in her country now, then no problem.  If not - then better have a place for her to call home.”  In other words - look at your fiancees life in her country - that is your bottom line.  This is where you must begin.  I promise you most foreign women do not expect the moon, but do want the basic security and status they had in their world before you met.  Understanding this is key to winning her heart.

An Authentic Experience - Live Calls To Foreign Women

April 12th, 2008

    In the past 30 - 45 days we’ve had some GREAT live interviews with foreign ladies.  It’s amazing to realize that we’ve been talking live with foreign women every weekend - with only a few exceptions - for the past 6 years!  Since 2002 - we have scheduled live interviews with Russian and Ukrainian women and invited a group of eager, marriage-minded guys to listen in and say hello!  If you’ve heard my comments on any of the interviews posted at this site you know how I feel about guys reaching out to these ladies after each call.  It’s very important we - as serious men on a mission to find true international love - recognize the opportunity before us each weekend and make the effort to write the girls who are willing to interview with us.  There are a few questions around the interviews that come up from time to time that I want to answer here. They are:

“Why are some girls more talkative than others?”

      It’s true, some girls will open up and bare their souls to almost every question I ask.  Some are so passionate and emotional when explaining why they long for a good man, a happy marriage and family.  Other ladies seem shy and quiet and getting more than a one or two word answer out of them takes a lot of coaxing on my part.  Men sometimes misinterpret this quietness as disinterest or insincerity but in reality - it’s just nerves.  That’s right - these exciting, gorgeous foreign women are nervous about talking to us!  If you listen closely to some of those interviews you can hear the girls start to relax and open up more and more as each call goes on.  They begin to laugh at my dumb jokes and respond to my over-the-top compliments, aimed at assuring them we aren’t setting them up for some cruel joke but are as serious about meeting someone as they are.  So serious, we just had to call so we could talk and listen and be enchanted by their charm, wit and beauty.  Their nervous because they don’t trust the whole idea of a group of American men putting time aside to call and talk to them about their search for love.  Why are they so important, they wonder?  Men in their culture hardly give them the time of day - and yet here I am promising to introduce them to all of  you.  Every other girl I talk to about this asks me if this is some kind of a joke!  Isn’t that amazing?  And yet as convincing as I am of our good intentions, some of the ladies I’ve interviewed are just not sure the whole thing is legit until well into the call.  This uncertainty is what causes them to be a little guarded about answering our questions at first.  One of the most impressive qualities of so many foreign women is how humble they are, clearly unaware of how attractive they appear to us.  Of course some girls, especially younger girls in their early twenties, are a little more talkative, outgoing and trusting than others.

“Why do some girls not show up for the calls as planned?  Does this indicate they are not as serious as the ones that do.”

      One of the reasons I schedule several interviews each weekend is the likelihood one or two will not make the call.  Again since the idea of a bunch of nice foreign guys being interested in learning more about any single girl is so… well, FOREIGN to them they will occasionally decide not to follow through.  It’s interesting that most of the ladies who do keep their commitment to talk to us are younger whereas the 30 something or 40 something crowd proves to be more reliable - and possibly more motivated to take some risks since it’s more challenging for any 30 or 40 - something lady in the FSU (Former Soviet Union) to meet a family-oriented guy.  Does not showing up mean a girl is less sincere about her search than the ones that do?  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  I generally regard the Victoria’s Secret wannabes - those ladies whose profile include professionally done risque or lingerie photos - to be less serious in general than those ladies who use appealing but more conservative photos.  If the girl not showing up on Sunday afternoon is 21, or 22 and showing a little more than she probably should be in her profile, I would attribute that to a lack of real interest in meeting us.  Why else would she miss such a rare opportunity to have the spotlight shining only on her as 40 - 50 foreign guys hang on every word she says for most of an hour?  Of course, it’s well known that SOME profiles are in fact models, not seeking to meet anyone, whose data and pics were sold to an international marriage agency without the girl’s prior knowledge.  Fortunately, guys - there’s no shortage of REAL and LOVELY foreign ladies who will allow a bunch of complete strangers to call them at home late on a Saturday or Sunday night and ask them some very personal questions.  It’s especially so, given they cannot see us, have no idea who we really are and have never seen our pictures, right?

“Why do we do so many of these calls?”
 
      You should know my real purpose here in the foreign bride search is to help many of the very deserving men and women I have met find love and happiness together.  I’m trying to especially help the friendly, intelligent, impressive women I have met in this process because in my mind I can’t think of one good reason women of such quality should struggle to meet ANYONE. But of course, they do. For me it’s a pure numbers game - more calls means more introductions and that means more people finding happiness.  Couples have met and gotten married as a result of my calls.  That’s really cool.  I’m also well aware that a good number of men come to this process confused over what really motivates a gorgeous foreign girl with so much to offer someone to post her profile on the internet.  Myths and misunderstandings abound and prevent guys from moving forward.  Our friends, family and coworkers will talk us out of this in a heartbeat if we let them. NOONE who isn’t pursuing or married to a foreign bride has any real clue what this experience is all about - be sure of that.  What guys need to build faith in the foreign bride search is not fantasy marketing - but a more authentic experience.  Short of getting on a plane and going to Russia or Ukraine to meet hundreds of ladies on a Romance Tour - which I highly recommend - there’s nothing more real than listening to one special, genuine foreign girl tell us which circumstances in her life lead her to us.  We can relate when she says she can meet men in her country - but not nice men, serious men, monogamous, family-oriented men.  We identify with the disappointment and the hope in her voice when she talks about her  search for love.  We listen and we are affected and changed in a way no web-site could ever impress us.  It is these real moments that help us grow in this process enough to take a few bold leaps and then one final significant step toward HER - by boarding an international flight to a place we’ve hardly heard of  but can’t wait to see. 

 If you would like to participate in any of our weekend live conference calls with foreign ladies, just shoot us an email at bud@foreignbride101.com and we’ll add you to our announcement list.  We usually do this on short notice - long story but that’s the deal so you should expect to receive a notice on Thursday or Friday for calls that will occur on Saturday or Sunday mornings and afternoons!  You can also listen to our more recent live interviews here:

http://www.foreignbride101.com/Live_Calls.html 

 Remember, calls are free, so join us for the next round!

Posted in Live Calls | No Comments »

How to Carry On A Conversation With Women At The Socials

March 31st, 2008

     Eric, one of Monday night’s great listeners, wrote to me recently to ask for advice on what to say to any of the lovely but mysterious foreign ladies he will be meeting on an upcoming Romance tour. Eric wanted to know what topics of conversation would make a positive impression on some of the world’s most intelligent, beautiful and and engaging women, and of course - which should be avoided. As I responded in email to this excellent question I thought this was probably the best subject for my next entry here.

 

     So, imagine if you will, you have crossed the great Atlantic in search of love, joining 25 - 30 or so similarly determined men on an organized romance tour to a great city like St. Petersburg, Odessa, or Kiev. Maybe you headed south the Latin America, maybe east to somewhere in Asia. You gathered together at the hotel lobby on the tours 2nd night, chatting like nervous high-schoolers on the way to a prom. You board the private coach bus, travel downtown to the chosen venue, noticing the growing line of breathtaking ladies waiting to be checked in. As the bus pulls up to the curb and you all get off, you can’t help but blush at all the stares as you walk by the line of ladies on your way in to the social. One man commented to me it was like being on the Red Carpet at the Oscars.

     Once inside, you wait nervously as each girl comes in, picks up a name tag, a glass of champagne and walks to a table to wait for someone (insert YOU) to stop by and say hello. It’s important to note - I can’t tell you how many times a lady sits down by herself or with a friend only to spend the entire next couple of hours NOT meeting someone, NOT getting noticed, NOT being approached. Witnessing this kind of thing over and over lead me to write my book, put up this web-site and take a more direct approach to getting you guys on the plane to go abroad and meet these impressive, deserving ladies.

     But for those of you who DO go, and find yourselves standing under the same roof with a few hundred of the most exciting girls you have ever seen - how do you even begin to approach them. And once before them - what on earth do you say to make the right impressions and stand the best chance at getting a date with HER?

 

     I would listen to my interviews of foreign women and use that as a model.  That should work:

“Thanks for coming to the social, it’s very nice to meet such a lovely girl.”

“I love your city - it’s very interesting.  I wish more Americans could see it.”

“When did you join AFA?  May I ask what made you decide to do that?”

“You know, a girl like you - so lovely, friendly and obviously intelligent could meet a man in my culture in about 5 minutes - is it hard to meet someone here who wants marriage, family etc?”

“You have a great smile/laugh/ eyes…it/they really stand(s) out…”

“Would you like some champagne?”

“I was very unsure what to think of the whole A Foreign Affair idea - but now that I am here, I am glad I came.  I’m glad we got introduced - May I ask you some questions so I could get to know you better?”

“If you could meet someone here tonight - that you were interested enough to see again - what would you like him to be like - what qualities should he have?”

“You’re obviously younger than I am - how do you feel about someone who is older?

“I’m 41 - and I find you very interesting - may I ask your age?”

“Are you sure you’re not married yet? I can’t believe the men of St Petersburg have let you stay single for this long (as you are smiling a friendly smile.”

“You speak English so well - (if she does) - how long have you been studying English?  Please… teach me how to say “You are lovely in your language.”

“What do you like to do in your spare time?”

“What is your favorite part of the city?”

“What do you do for work? Is it interesting?”

“Do you like to travel? What places have you visited and liked the most? What is your favorite place to visit here in your country?”

“Tell me about your family.  Do they know about your interest in a foreign guy?  What do they think about that - do they think it’s kind of a crazy idea?”

“Do you have children?”

“May I ask - would you like to have children or more children someday?”

“What do you think is the most important thing in a relationship?”

“Do you know of any ladies who have found their husband this way?”

“I wish I could see Russian/Ukrainian? Colombian etc films or television from the states but of course we are so self-absorbed we don’t see much from other countries.  Have you seen any American movies you liked?  Do you have a favorite actor or actress?”

“Would you like to dance or take a short walk outside for a little while?”

     These are some great comments/questions to get you started. After that, just be yourself BUT avoid hamering the girl like your conducting a job interview. Foreign women do NOT want to be interviewed and qualified at a social. They simply want to be noticed and treated with the utmost respect. Be casual, friendly but not too friendly. Don’t assume anything and DON’T ASK IF THE GIRL IS READY TO PACK HER BAGS AND MOVE TO AMERICA WITH SOMEONE. HER ANSWER IS LIKELY TO BE - “WELL, HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW?” Don’t ask her why she came to the social. You already know why she came to the social - to meet a nice guy like you. She’s not likely to come out and say that until she knows your interest in her is mutual because to do so and then to have you move on to someone else would be alittle humiliating. Just trust she is there for the same reasons you are. Leave her with her self-respect in place. She will appreciate this more than you know.

     One more thing, guys - learn how to say something - anything - in her native language and work it in the conversation - she will really like that. You can learn basic Russian phrases, for example, by visiting our web-page:

http://www.foreignbride101.com/russian.html

     For more great information on meeting women at socials - please see Chapter 5 in Foreign Bride 101, my book on the foreign bride search.

Posted in Traveling to Meet HER | No Comments »

When Your Letters Get No Response

January 22nd, 2008

 

When Your Letters Get No Response

I am asked all the time why some men’s efforts to correspond with foreign ladies go unanswered.  Some guys can send off three letters, get three responses right away and be exchanging regular correspondence every other day with lovely, interesting ladies.  Others will voice frustration at getting virtually no response from any of a dozen ladies they have attempted to contact. Why do some succeed and some fail in making an impression strong enough to motivate a girl write back?  Let’s look at three critical pieces of the correspondence puzzle.

1. WHAT IS THE BUSINESS MODEL YOU ARE TRYING TO OPERATE FROM?
   In other words, what resource(s) are you using to get foreign girls contact info?  More than likely you’re finding profiles on the internet from services that offer you different levels of correspondence at varied prices.  You’re probably choosing between a standard email option or a “hands-on” expedited service which promises to deliver your letters personally and quickly.  International Marriage Agencies (IMA’s) and dating sites alike make the bulk of their livelihood from correspondence services, phone translation calls and flower and gift deliveries.  Having reliable contact info for their client women is crucial for their bottom line so problems with ladies information usually get immediate attention.  Why then, do your letters seem to not get through to the ladies you’ve reached out to? If your chosen ladies were interested, wouldn’t they want to write back as soon as possible?  And if they were not - wouldn’t it be polite to write and tell you so?

     At the heart of every IMA’s business model is a keen awareness of IMBRA’s (International Marriage Brokers Regulation Act) requirements around correspondence.  In March, 2006, President Bush signed into law and act requiring businesses that “broker” marriages - an unfair and inaccurate stereotype stamped on reputable introduction services like A Foreign Affair of Phoenix, Arizona - must acquire certain background information on all male clients prior to allowing personal contact with their client foreign women.  This background data must be read and APPROVED by any foreign girl PRIOR to receiving letters and emails through the agency.  IMA’s like AFA must adhere strictly to IMBRA requirements - penalties are stiff for breaking a law most would agree was designed to put them out of business.  Typically - agencies have to assure that a foreign girl’s contact info and correspondence only be exchanged with an approved client.  To protect themselves - many agencies monopolize correspondence between male and female clients. Others, AFA included, will ultimately allow personal contact information to be exchanged upon receipt of a signed statement from the intended female recipient.  Most would agree that exchanging email directly would be quicker than working through an agency - but the law is what it is - and no smart agency would ignore it. Men wishing to correspond with women whose profiles are posted at IMA web-sites like www.loveme.com will have to allow the confirmation process to complete itself - and be thankful there are still agencies like AFA out there to bring profiles to us.

    When a male client sends emails and express emails through an agency site - the possible delays in returns could be due to several factors:  a) The agency may not have the girl’s most recent email address, b) the intended girl may not have an email address and must visit the foreign agency office to pick up or read email, or c) in some cases - a foreign agency office is slow to allow for personal information to be exchanged so as to benefit from ongoing correspondence through their staff.  Ask your IMA - “How often do you update your profiles and email addresses?”  “What assurances can you offer that she is getting my emails and express emails?” “Who is the point of contact for your foreign partners or offices and how can I work with him/her to assure my letters are getting through?”  Straight-up answers to these questions will help you build trust that your correspondence investment is in the right hands.”  Most agencies want you to use their services repeatedly, and will be most helpful in getting your letters to the girl - at that point it will be up to her to do her part to keep correspondence going.

2.  WHAT ARE YOU WRITING IN YOUR LETTERS THAT MAY BE PREVENTING YOU FROM GETTING A RESPONSE?
     A lot of what men write in their letters to foreign girls will depend on their overall impression of them and their true reasons for joining an IMA.  It will also depend on how sincere the men are about ultimately getting on a plane to go and meet the women they are writing to.  THOUSANDS of keyboard romeos write letters to foreign women every day with no real intention of ever going anywhere other than their living rooms to find love.  Foreign women learn how to separate the doers from the thinkers.  If you haven’t decided that your correspondence will likely lead you to another country to meet an exceptional person - maybe you should think twice about writing.  I wrote in my book, “Foreign Bride 101” the best opening line in the first letter to a foreign girl is simply something like  “Hello, my name is___________ and I am writing you because I plan to visit your city later this year. I decided recently to try to meet a special person with whom I could fall in love, marry and start a family.   I hope we can get to know each other and possibly meet then.” 

     Think about all the opening lines that girl may have read - especially if she is very attractive, or has a particularly interesting profile and photos.  I promise you many guys will write silly things like “Hi my name is _________ . I saw your profile and you look really hot.  I am looking to meet a nice girl for some fun times - nothing too serious - just a mutual good time when I come to your city next month. If you are interested, write back.”  Typically - they don’t.  Then there’s the “I know this is our first letter but I think I am in love with you already” crowd  -  guys who write seemingly harmless things like “I would love to hold you in my arms someday.”  Nothing wrong with that after you have met - but generally a weird thing for them to read in the first few letters.  Are you asking them about sex?  Bad idea - again after you’ve met and fallen in love it’s pretty much anything goes.  Guys will sometimes ask a girl if she is ready to relocate and come to live in America with them - IN THE FIRST LETTER!  I can just hear the foreign girl thinking “Well… HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW?” I remember one beautiful girl from Tomsk telling me  of the many letters she got from men essentially asking her if she would be willing to leave her two sons in Russia in order to have life with them in America.  Sorry, guys - but that’s just freakin’ dumb!

     I have asked hundreds of women what they want in correspondence from a guy - and they unanimously say they want to meet men who are serious, sincere gentlemen, ready to take steps toward meeting if the two of you decide you like each other and have much in common.  Then write about your basic interests - and be sure to ask plenty about her - what she likes to eat, what her favorite films are, what her hobbies and interests are.  Throw in a tasteful compliment or two - pretty basic stuff, right?  Also - avoid long letters.  At the nd of a long work day the last thing a woman wants to open up in her email is foreign love’s equivalent to a Congressional filibuster or the history of man since time began.  3 paragraphs tops would be good - especially if she does not speak English and will need to get it translated.

3.  Finally -  WHO ARE YOU WRITING TO?
   Despite all that you read at foreign bride and IMA web-sites - foreign women are generally seeking someone within 15 - 20 years of their age TOPS!  There may be a few exceptions to this - but only a few.  I have asked hundreds of foreign women about their age preferences and they will tell me consistently they prefer 12 - 15 years but would consider as much as 20 for someone young and vital at heart - active and energetic.  Some guys write ONLY to the top 1% of foreign beauty queens under the age of 23 - girls typically 30 years or more younger than they.  When they get no or little response they are the first to yell “SCAM!”  It’s as if some guys want only the fantasy of a young, gullible, agreeable trophy wife or they want no part of this at all.  There are plenty of gorgeous, wonderful ladies over age 25 who maybe regarded at a 9.5 on a scale of 1 - 10 who should be more than good enough for most of us every day joe’s - and if we can wrap our minds around a realistic idea of who our foreign bride should be - it will save us a whole lot of money and frustration in time. Generally, you should avoid profiles of women who are showing too much (respectful foreign girls really don’t do this,) or who are serious candidates for Victoria’s Secret.  Seek out the more realistic, believable and lovely profiles of women who are more likely to be affected by your letter.  Women will probably not write to men they don’t view as being from their generation.

     For more great ideas on how to correspond effectively with lovely foreign ladies - please read my book “Foreign Bride 101.”

Posted in Live Calls, Correspondence | No Comments »

From Russia to America

December 29th, 2007
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Viktoria arrived in the states January 2004 - four years ago!  I remember how clueless I was about what her needs would be during that first critical month so far away from home.  Viktoria’s first three weeks in America - indeed her first entire year here - were sobering for me, to say the least.  Even with all the information and couples’ success stories at my disposal though A Foreign Affair I still underestimated the true weight of her decision to leave everything behind for a new life with me.  This is a great piece for anyone considering a foreign bride, especially for any guy whose engaged and working on the  K-1. I wrote it shortly after Viktoria arrived in 2004. Hard to believe this article is 4 years old.  Enjoy - and
Happy New Year!
The single biggest myth about Russian women is that they are primarily motivated to meet foreign men in order to achieve wealth, citizenship in some other country or material gain. The countless women I have met (and the very special one I am engaged to) seem to come from a time and place that we have left behind in America - a place where people make great sacrifices for love, for the sake of family. The decision to leave home and fly half way around the world to live with someone they have definitely fallen in love with, but are still beginning to know, in order to realize the dream of happily ever after is the biggest decision of any foreign lady’s life. I was reminded of this recently when I took my 5th trip to St. Petersburg, Russia - to bring my fiancee home to America.          

Viktoria and I received our Fiancee Visa from the American Embassy in Moscow in December. She wanted her and her son, Sergey, to spend the holidays with her family, so we planned their relocation for January and, on the 19th, I boarded the Finnair flight in New York to go and claim my new bride and son. I remember thinking, as the plane ascended and headed north, that this time I would not have to leave Viktoria behind on the return trip. The sense of relief and accomplishment was unreal.

The following days in St. Petersburg were filled with celebrations with her family and friends, many delicious dinners, countless toasts to our togetherness and future. Vika and I spent every night drinking wine and talking late into the evening with her mother about our plans. And when the day of departure was finally upon us, her mother, aunt and uncle, and 2 cousins joined us at the airport for a final farewell. We all exchanged hugs and kisses, and vodka toasts for a safe flight and a quick return. Vika, Sergey and I proceeded through customs. At the last moment I looked back and only I and her family could see each other. Their faces huddled together, they waived between tears and smiles.  “Be careful, Bud.  We are trusting you with everything,” they seemed to say. I was humbled beyond words.

I promised Viktoria not to say things to try and comfort her on the flight back. She knew I loved her; she knew everyone would be ok, but her thoughts were of her mother and her family, and the exciting yet completely foreign new world that was waiting to welcome her. So we flew quietly for 9 hours to New York, and I held her hand and kissed her forehead and let her sleep. Ocassionally, she would look at me, smiling nervously and say “What have I done?” Once in New York, we cleared U.S. Customs easily and headed for a hotel near the airport to unwind. I thought the most difficult part of the journey was finally over - little did I know!I completely underestimated the gravity of Viktoria’s decision to leave Russia for America, expecting that America would immediately seduce her with so many great freedoms and luxuries. . . the shopping, the restaurants, the friendly people. Of course, this was completely naive on my part. The first 48 hours would become a tug-of-war where I would continually introduce her to something great about America, or Phoenix, or her new home, and she would simply reject everything, unable to reconcile the internal conflict of happiness and guilt, joy and pain, excitement and trepidation. We stayed the first night in New York and went out for a rather frigid walk around Times Square. Dinner sat on the cafe table completely untouched. Something was definitely not right.

Once in Phoenix, I tried to distract her by getting out and doing as much as possible.  We were on the go alot at first - shopping malls, movies, restaurants, Walmart (gotta take your foreign girl to the world’s largest retailer, right?) picnics in ther mountains around Phoenix - and even a Monster Truck show. I know Viktoria tried very hard to be happy in those first few days - but it was impossible to not miss her mother and family. At one point, when asked by a co-worker how things were going with the transition, I believe I uttered the dumbest thing ever said by a man in the entire history of the universe - something like “Someone had better get happy about being here very soon.”  
         

There were a few comical moments during this struggle. We went to Target for a few essential items, and I wanted her to pay for the transaction, to build her confidence that she could interact with people.

“Nyet! Nyet!” she said. “What if he says hello?”

“Say Hello back.” I said.
“What if he says ‘How are you?’”she said.

I said, “Say ‘Fine! How are you?”   She insisted no, I insisted yes, and so she paid the cashier and was fine. “Congratulations, Buddy,” I thought to myself, “You just taught her to shop. May you never live to regret that.”Another funny moment came when I sent an email to her family from work saying everything was fine, Viktoria and Sergey were adjusting well, and I would be sending them back for a visit as soon as possible, probably later in the year. Her family translated the message incorrectly and called her mother to say, “Bud is angry already at Viktoria and wants to send her back immediately!” I made Vika contact her family and set the record straight right away.        

The turning point came on our third night, sitting in the hot tub at 2am, looking at the stars. She cried a little and I asked what was wrong. Her response made everything clear to me. She said “It’s just that everything in America is so… big! The houses are big, the cars are big, the food is big, the markets are big…” I thought about this. She was telling me she was a little overwhelmed by it all. Yes, things in America are typically bigger than in Russia. But also, this decision was BIG, the emotions were BIG, the love between us was BIG, the worry about her family was BIG. I could finally see in that instant the adjustment would take some time. I told her I loved her, and would do anything for her, to not worry, to not think about the wedding or even staying. I asked her to just relax, and try to find things she liked here. And I promised that in the end if she couldn’t stay, I would send her back to her family without anger. After all, I knew I could not have made the sacrifices she had already made. This seemed to calm her down, and we hugged each other for the longest time.

The next day, I knew I had to do something to help her make the connection back to Russia so we went to the Russian market in Phoenix. She was greeted by the owners, listened to cable Russian television, bought Kefir and buckwheat, bulka and caviar spread. She saw the Russian movies available for rent, and her mood lightened considerably. We bought a few phone cards so she could call her mother for an hour a day if she wanted. Suddenly the world seemed a little smaller to her.
Later, we installed a Russian keyboard on our computer, and downloaded Cyrillic fonts from A Foreign Affair’s website. Now she could write to her friends and family in Russian. Excellent move, Bud! Knowing her family ate soup on a daily basis, we went to another market to buy ingredients. I showed her where on the Internet she could listen to Radio Baltika out of Moscow - all day if she wanted. We found a playground and skate park for Sergey, and bought him rollerblades. With all this she was suddenly a new girl!

The next couple of days she would cook food she was familiar with, email pictures to her family, and talk with her mother and her friend Olga, now living in West Palm Beach, Florida with her husband of two years. By Friday the 30th, 5 days after hitting the US, I could tell everything would be alright. I asked if she still wanted to get married, jokingly, and she said “Don’t worry, I still want, very much!” By the weekend she was suggesting she go shopping again (knew that was a mistake!) and had become the smiling, happy flirt I had fallen in love with.

The range of emotions during this first week together in America was an unanticipated learning experience for me. One has to simply relax, allow his fiancee to feel all the typical things we feel when we undergo major change in our lives, and not become defensive or angry when she comes out of the shower with a few tears in her eyes. We live in this great country and culture, but our freedoms and luxuries mean little at first to someone who is leaving her family and home to create new ones abroad. Be patient, and be flexible, and wait for the love between you to replace the worry and wonder.

 

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